I found out about Mortgage or Marriage about twenty-four hours ago, and instantly knew that it was the exact kind of high-fructose-corn drama that I need in my life. I tuned into Netflix at my first available opportunity, and there it was waiting for me on the home page, because I'm thoroughly predictable, and Netflix knows this. I assume their algorithm is recommending this show to everyone who binge-watched Bridgerton in a weekend. Despite this being worlds away from Victorian Smut Gossip Girl, I think the venn diagram of their viewership is probably just a sphere.
I knew the basic premise going in. A couple has to choose between a dream wedding and buying a house. I thought I was prepared for the stupidity that was about to ensue in front of me, because how could that possibly be a choice? Boy oh boy was I mistaken. This show made me feel things. Anger. Rage. Disgust. Disappointment in the youth of today.
From about two minutes in, I knew this was a total Hate Watch. In hindsight, I probably should have poured myself a nice fifth of vodka before starting to make it more palatable, but I didn't because I'm just as stupid as the people who went on this show. Instead of pouring the alcohol, I have poured my rage into this blog.
Our couple today is Emily and Braxton, a nice pair of 23-year-old kids from Nashville, who both live with their parents. Separately. They can either get married with a big wedding, or buy a house and save up for a few years before getting married.
Excuse you, what?
Firstly, Braxily (Emxton?), I have some questions. Should you choose the wedding, are you going to get married but continue to live with your respective parents until you can save up for a house? What is the point of getting married if you'll be living with your respective parents until you can save up for a house? May I propose a third option: the courthose?
"I've dreamed of my wedding since I was a little girl," cliches Emily. Of course she has. I'm sure almost every little girl has dreamed of a poofy dress and a giant cake. You're not special, Emily, and this isn't a very good excuse to go spend $30,000 of your parents money on a five hour party. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but may I remind you that A) You live with your parents, and B) Your fiance lives with his parents.
Braxton and Emily have a budget of $450,000 if they buy a house. The downpayment is coming entirely from their parents, so it's like they're playing with monopoly money here, and value means nothing to them. They work hard to demonstrate this for the rest of the episode.
Braxton is obsessed with the shower. His dream house needs a good shower. He really needs a space where he can lie down drink his morning energy shake while he steams his pores. I kid you not. If I were Emily, I'd choose neither mortgage nor marriage. I'd take the $30k and run far, far away.
If Bremixton picks "marriage", they want an elegant barn style wedding. Of course they do. The second they told me Emily was a 23 year-old in Nashville, I already came to this conclusion.
The show's real estate agent is named Nicole, and she looks like she wants to look like Miranda from Sex and the City. She shows Emxtily their first house. Trigger warning: seeing what $450k gets you in Nashville (especially when your parents are providing the entire down payment) is maddening for anyone who's ever tried to purchase real estate in King County.
Braxton is a big fan of the dual shower head, but the couple isn't impressed with the rest of House #1. It's time to move on to the show's wedding planner, Sarah. Sarah is trying to wow Bemilton with an ice sculpture. If I were not paying a cent for anything either, I might be wowed by an ice sculpture. However, I all can see is literal money melting before my eyes.
I'll give it to Braxton. He's consistent. He doesn't like his water in ice form. If it's not dripping and warm, he wants nothing to do with it. Sarah tries to salvage the situation by showing that the ice sculpture is actually an ice luge! You can pour drinks through it!
Unfortnately, the sculpture is shaped like a sihlouette of our lovebirds. You pour liquid into Ice Braxton's chest, and it comes out of Ice Emily's butt. This was the point in the show where I decided that I hate everything. I actually think I'd pay $30,000 to have the memory of that ice sculpture erased from my mind.
Next, Nicole shows Braxton and Emily another house. This one smells. They love this house like I love that ice sculpture.
Emily stated that she wouldn't even eat a cake if it was at her wedding, so Sarah has been looking for a fun alternative. She settles on donuts, and takes the couple to a bakery where they have to make a choice between 100 donuts for $700 or 100 donuts on a wall for $1,600. The must have this wall. Their love demands it! Double you tee eff! $900 for a piece of wood with some pegs? These kids clearly do not understand money.
Now we're on to House #3. Braxton likes it because the shower is big enough for him to lie down in. He's actually a fan of the house in general, and shows his enthusiasm by demonstrating fortnight dances for Nicole, who despeately searches her repoitre of acceptable host reactions while she tries to figure out what to do next.
Sarah takes Eraxtily to look at wedding rings, and they pick out $7,000 worth of bling. To clarify, this is $7,000 worth of bands, and does not include the big diamond engagement ring. Just. Bands. Somewhere, in the back of their minds, they know that's an obscene amount of money to spend on wedding rings. No shit sherlock! I spent $7,000 on my whole entire wedding.
Sarah sees the sale slipping through her fingers, and she rushes to salvage things by making them recite their vows right there in the store, so that they can really feel the romance in these specific rings. Braxton's vows start off referencing his mama and end with him calling Emily "baby girl". Both of these things make me cringe. Emily's vows aren't shown, but I bet you one donut wall that she quotes that one Bible verse about love.
Now that Braxton and Emily have all the facts to make their decision, Sarah and Nicole throw their last Hail Mary's to sway them towards Marriage or Mortgage.
If Braxtonily pick Marriage, the donut shop owners have agreed to throw in the wall for free. OH WOW. $900 savings! I can't even believe that they're saving all this money. And, the jewelry store will give them 50% of bands! That means they'd only be spending slightly over 10% of their wedding budget on rings!
Nicole got the seller to throw in some renovations. Big whoop. How can you possibly compare new floors to a glorified plinko board that holds round bread?
Emaxtily pretends to be considering Mortgate because they think "it would be like, an inspiration to people." If anyone watching this show has tuned in for inspiration, please do the following: turn off the tv, go outside, and stare at literally any object. I promise you will find more inspiration in a rock or some litter or a dead slug in your yard.
It shouldn't be a shock, but they choose the wedding. Of course they freaking do. Was there ever any doubt in your mind? From the moment Braxton described his dream shower, I knew that Real Estate Agent Nicole was dead on arrival.
After the year we all had in 2020, I didn't think it was possible for my opinion of humanity to get any lower, but it happened. I'm not sure if I'll tune in again, but my friend has promised me that one of the episodes contains a "ranch fountain". I'm torn. Do I tough it out to see this monstrosity, or do I cut my losses and throw my tv off a cliff, Sparta style. I don't know. I hate everyone. Goodnight.
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