My coworker Jackson blogs his thoughts over at his blog, https://www.dumbthoughtsthatmakemelaugh.com/. Last week, I wrote a guest blog over there, and in return, he watched and recapped his very first episode of The Bachelor for us! So, to walk you through this exciting sixth episode of The Bachelor, here are Jackson's very wise thoughts (which did make me laugh).
Are you a consumer of ABC’s Monday night primetime featured programming? Have you been sucked into the vortex that’s spanned 20+ seasons and spit out seven associated shows? Do you, having bought in from the beginning, lack an unbiased perspective on The Bachelor?
For the first time in my 24-year life, I watched The Bachelor. If you have to ask why, you either A) didn’t need the ego boost, or B) haven’t experienced the car crash equivalent - can’t look away - spectacle. However, it’s the unusual type of crash where everyone volunteered to be in the pile-up and no one necessarily got hurt, because the selected cars were damaged from the get-go. You’re left routing for vehicular onslaught, and maybe if you’re lucky, one of the cars will explode.
In this guest post, I’m hoping to share an outsider’s perspective: someone who understands the premise of the show, but has only seen one episode. I watched the show with my girlfriend who translated the many bewildering moments. To stay hip with the times, we watched episode 6 of the latest season, the one with (he googles it quickly) Matt James.
Just a quick note before diving into my thoughts, I left the show feeling thankful for my own relationship. It’s nice to have someone who’s kind, smart, and emotionally stable. The Bachelor sets a very low bar for what’s considered a good relationship. It’s the difference between a limbo bar and a high jumping bar.
First off - I hate to break it to anyone who wasn’t aware but - the show has a lot of fake drama. The contestant’s on the show aren’t “looking to find love”. Scoff. However, it’s a similar fake to WWE. Yes, it’s staged, but the showmanship is real; the crazy is real. We watch for the showmanship; we watch for the crazy.
Here’s how I know it’s fake: Exhibit A) No one falls in love after the very first date. I’ve got one blessed cousin who’s an exception, but generally it takes time to know. Using an example from my own life and current relationship, the first date went horribly. The kind of horrible where you go home and eat ice cream alone. I definitely wouldn’t have gotten a rose. (Luckily though, I got a second change and things worked out.) Exhibit B) The success rates of the show relationships are dismal. All the girls act as if Matt was the only man in the world. At the beginning of the show, I naively made the comment to my girlfriend: “These girls have heard of online dating right? Maybe someone should tell them. I’m sure it wouldn’t be too hard for any of them to find a relationship.” As a last point to this exhibit, the 24 past seasons have resulted in a one successful relationship. That’s a success rate of 4%, about 1% lower than Harvard’s acceptance rate of 5%. Exhibit C) Matt doesn’t know how to play pool. He switched from hitting striped balls to hitting solid balls. Come on Matt, you’re 29. When you file your W2 your profession is literally listed as “Bachelor”; you should know these things.
My second major takeaway from the show is a Hunger Games desire to pick a girl and route for her to be the last one standing. I’ve chosen the Queen Gambit’s girl. If you’ve seen both shows, you probably know who I’m talking about. Even if the Queen Gambits girl doesn’t end up winning, if at any point the producers put her in a chess match, I’d be happy. That’d probably be insulting to her, but I’m pretty sure she had to sell away her reputation when accepting a spot on the show.
You could write an entire novel with all the stuff that happens on the show - wow there’s a lot of content - but here are some of my other popcorn thoughts:
If the show is an hour and 15 minutes on HULU, does that mean it’s two hours on ABC? That’s an insultingly long amount of commercials.
One of my favorite moments: Girl says, “My hands are literally shaking.” She holds up her hands and they’re perfectly still.
They skipped a lot of the important dates, like the finance date, the church date, or the simple dinner date. Matt is going to have a tough time topping the private, outdoor carnival date.
Are the girl’s professions real? Why were there no actuaires on the show? Is fashion entrepreneur a real job? Is dancer-choreographer a polite way to say stripper?
What’s the market value of a rose? Or more directly, is there a correlation between the number of roses and the number of instagram followers? That’s why they’re there, right? One step further, how many US dollars is that worth?
Overall, The Bachelor is a pretty dumb show, but the type of dumb that makes you laugh. It’s fun to point and laugh at the train wreck. But at the same time though, all the contestants are getting famous, so maybe (after the fake tears) they’re the last ones laughing.
Comments