We pick up this week's episode right where we left off, on the morning Sarah left. Despite Sarah no longer being there, Victoria continues to trash talk Sarah by saying "The trash took herself out." It's not very creative trash talk. Katie calls this out (the meanness, not the lack of innovation), and instantly draws Victoria's ire.
Group Date
We jump straight into the group date, or rather, we jump straight into the evening portion of the group date. I'm sure the contestants actually did something during the day, but we have DRAMA to get to, and there is no time to watch our favorite group of singletons engage in another basic fall activity.
Here's what you need to know about this date.
This date was brought to you by Large Hoop Earrings, which the women each style with varying degrees of success.
This date is basically a quick montage of each woman saying two sentences to Matt. I assume Matt's future wife isn't on this date, because they did not show any relationship development at all. (Technically, I don't think Matt's future wife is on any dates this season, but I digress).
Matt gives out the rose based on who wore the hoop earrings the best. Naturally, Fashion Goddess Chelsea wins.
Rose Ceremony
At the Rose Ceremony, Victoria has massacred 101 polar bears to make the uggliest effing fur puffer coat I've ever seen. I can't decide if she looks like the Michelin Tire mascot or the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.
The girls on the date yesterday decided that hoop earrings are totally their thing, and that no one else is allowed to wear them (even if their parents got them this pair of really expensive white gold hoops for Hanukkah). Pieper wasn't on the group date yesterday, so she improvises by sticking a pair of diaper pins in her ears and calling it formalwear.
One by one, Matt pulls the women aside and tells each and every one of them that what he has with them is real. Victoria is overwhelmed with emotions during her one-on-one time. She starts to tell Matt all about it, but Chris Harrison swoops in with a, "Can I grab you for a sec?" He's been watching women steal The Bachelor for years and he's finally ready to take his turn.
Chris Harrison pulls Matt aside and announces that there will be several new women joining the season, as if this journey hasn't been dramatic enough already. I think we need a collective noun for a group of Bachelor contestants. I think "a promotion" could be a good contender, or, based on tonight's episode, "a meltdown".
The OG group of women watches helplessly from the window while the new ladies show up and meet Matt. I thought we didn't have to watch limo entrances again after night 1, but apparently we live in an eternal purgatory where we have to watch the worst parts of The Bachelor over and over again.
New Girl Brittany follows proper COVID protocols by not shaking hands with Matt. Instead, she goes straight to shaking tongues. The other new entrants go for tamer, more forgettable introductions.
Former Miss Puerto Rico Catalina shows up wearing a crown. Victoria takes the crown and puts it on, because she is the only queen allowed in this house. At this point, I'm expecting Katie to channel her inner Cady Herron, and start breaking the crown into pieces. "A piece for MJ, a partial Spring Fling queen. A piece for Anna. And, a piece for Victoria. She murdered a puppy, and she still looks like a rockstar." (And none for Gretchen Wieners.)
Most of the girls are upset, but slightly react better than Victoria. No one is particularly happy that there are more contestants. Except for the new contestants, obviously. Khaylah says she is feeling Extreme Anger and Serena C. looks upset that Kim has also forgotten a shirt. That's her shtick.
Matt tells choreographer Ryan that he's trying to be his most authentic self during this process. I hope not because this means Matt is authentically boring in real life. Seriously you guys, I think wet paint probably uses, "watching Matt James live" as an analogy for boredom.
At the rose ceremony, Kim, Khayla, and Kaili all go home. Today was not brought to you by the letter K. Serena C. cheers. Like The Highlander, there can only be one girl who doesn't wear full outfits.
Group Date
The next day, Serena celebrates by wearing half a shirt and reading the first date card of the week.
Former Bachelor Ben Higgins has planned this week's date. He shows up early to give Matt some tips on how to be the world's blandest man. For being a boring person, Ben has planned the most amazing date. It's a fall themed obstacle course. The girls are using giant hollowed out pumpkins as boats, wearing chipmunk costumes, and digging for acorns in a pile of leaves. Victoria sneaks the costume back to the hotel, in case she can make it into a coat for later. Mari wins an acorn shaped trophy. Chris Harrison hands it to her while saying, "These nuts are yours." I have no words.
At the afterparty, Matt pairs a camel colored turtleneck with a camel colored blazer and a pair of jeans from my dad's closet. Tensions rise when Anna finally gets an opportunity to talk to Matt and Brittany tries to cut in. Anna is not having it. She's been waiting three weeks for this conversation and she will wait no longer! Anna tries to regain her momentum, but it's been lost for good.
Victoria comforts a frustrated Anna, and they embark on a new and terrible relationship fueled by the "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" philosophy. Anna tells Victoria that Brittany is "having a transactional relationship with wealthy men".
Anna selflessly confronts Brittany about the rumors she started. Brittany denies these rumors, and is clearly distressed that Anna would say such a thing. "Get out of the house," Victoria tells Brittany, as she bravely continues on her quest to be the least liked contestant of all time.
Bri has no screen time during this date and gets the rose, proving that the best way to get a rose is to actually have a connection with Matt.
One-on-One
Back at the house, new girl Michelle gets the One on One date. Matt surprises us all by showing up to this date in his version of a plunging neckline: a short sleeve crewneck sweater. It's Wednesday, so his shirt is pink. Matt and Michelle are off on an adrenaline-themed scavenger hunt, not to be confused with the quirky fall-themed scavenger hunt from yesterday.
Matt and Michelle zipline, then use giant safety pins to pop giant balloons. Michelle sneaks the safety pins back to the hotel so she can use them as earrings later. Next, it's time for a ride in a hot air balloon which is attached to a lot of cables back on the ground. The girls back at the hotel watch jealously through binoculars as Matt and Michelle make out 20 feet up in the air.
That evening, someone has parked some old cars inside the lobby of the hotel to create a romantic atmosphere. It looks like a car dealership, which I don't find to be particularly romantic. Matt and Michelle talk about how Michelle's students are having a hard year. Given that she peaced out to go on a reality show that films in September, I don't think she actually has any students. Michelle talks about how she wants to make a difference, and how a teacher touches lives long after she's gone. It doesn't matter if she's so underpaid that she bartends a couple nights a week at PJ Calamity's to earn extra cash. She's a pusher. She pushes people. Michelle gets the rose.
Group Date
This is the third group date of our episode. I'm getting group date fatigue here!
Matt takes off his shirt and squats some logs in the forest while he's waiting for the women. Today the ladies will be forming a female fight club! As with all fighting dates, I don't see how this counts as quality time with Matt. The girls do a quick training session in the woods (why they had to do this in the woods, I am not sure) and then are ushered into a hotel ballroom to fight each other, while the girls who aren't on the group date watch. In the audience, Victoria laments that she's not on the date, because she would punch Katie in the face. What a class act.
At the afterparty, Matt puts on another blazer/turtleneck combo and reassures the women of his feelings one by one. The ladies not currently sitting in the reassurance seat huddle together and complain about the new girls. Katie maturely tells the women to knock it off, and then goes and tattles to Matt. Usually snitches get stitches on this show, but this time I'm 100% Team Katie. I hope this doesn't backfire on her.
Back at the hotel, Anna and Victoria say a lot of mean things that get censored. The editors do let "dumbest ho I've ever met," come through, so I can only imagine what's getting bleeped.
The episode ends, as I suspect this season will. Without a conclusion.
Final Thoughts
At this point in the season, I can count the facts I know about Matt on a single hand, and still have enough fingers left over to make a cute little finger gun.
A dark and twisted side of me hopes that Victoria makes hometowns because I would LOVE to meet the people who raised her. In fact, I think Matt should pick Victoria at the end, because we would have the most dramatic After the Final Rose of all time.
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