Rose Ceremony
Our last episode ended on a cliffhanger, with breakout star Sarah about to faint at the rose ceremony. That cliff ended up being one of those climbing walls on a piece of playground equipment, because it turns out that Sarah hasn't fainted after all, and after a couple deep breaths, we're back to our rose ceremony.
Matt ties last week's drama up in a neat little bow by sending Marylynn home. This is classic Bachelor 101: when two girls disagree, shoot into the conflict. You have a 50% chance of eliminating significant drama. I think Victoria's stunt last week was responsible for this. Marylynn seemed safe up until Victoria said something.
Group Date
A new day dawns and Chris Harrison has embraced the woodland location and put on a flannel. Chris announces that Matt has decided to be uncomfortable this week (in other words, the producers wanted to make everyone uncomfortable), and drops off the group date card.
Victoria continues her streak of dressing and acting like a Bad Place demon and puts on an all black outfit with a see through top. I think it's her best look thus far this season, but that's not saying much.
Former Bachelor/Bachelor in Paradise/Bachelor Winter Games contestant Ashley I is here, also dressed as a Bad Place demon. Her earrings match her pants very well, but unfortunately, both are terrible.
And while we're speaking of terrible, a terrible screech omits from Ashley's mouth. Oh wait, that's just Chris Harrison's book of awkward sex scenes. I looked up the description, and it's basically a Hallmark movie with S-E-X. A girl from Texas is living in the Big City with her Rich Fiance. She heads back to her Home Town and learns a valuable lesson about herself. Sex ensues.
Chris Harrison is looking for a ghostwriter for his next novel (probably), so he asks the girls to write a steamy scene of their own. The producers have succeeded in making me uncomfortable. It's been 24 hours since I watched this and my cheeks are still pink.
Bri's scene gets dirty (literally). She relives the time her and Matt almost died flipping their ATV, and makes it sound sexy instead of an idiotic flouting of basic vehicular safety. Serena C. (also known as the Serena who forgot to pack shirts) wears a bra and makes some naughty rhymes. Katie writes herself into a story that is fifty percent bleeped out. All of this is "too vanilla" for Victoria who stands up and reads a bad Fifty Shades of Gray knockoff.
At the afterparty, Matt compliments Rachael on her realistic story. He likes how she thinks. Save it for the Fantasy Suite, Matt! Meanwhile, I ask my new favorite question. What is Victoria wearing? There's ruffles and lace and sheer polka-dots and a big sleeve and her bra is showing again. I think she went for puffed sleeves to go with her queen persona, since she's been repeatedly rocking those this season.
Back at the hotel, Sarah is starting to implode. Every season, there's a girl who can't handle the fact that the Bachelor isn't spending 100% of his time with her. This season, this girl is Sarah. She's jealous after her great one-on-one with Matt, and loses it when Serena P. (also known as the Serena who owns shirts) gets the one-on-one date. Sarah is already emotionally exhausted. We're one week in, and she's in for a wild ride if she stays. Was she expecting that all future one-on-ones would go to her?
Sarah crashes the group date. This date crashing is a fun new feature of COVID Bachelor. This wasn't an option in the past but it's added great drama these past two seasons. Sarah is upset about the situation she spent months preparing and applying for. She needs affirmation, and she must speak to Matt immediately!
The women on the date do not take this well, and they convince Katie to crash Matt and Sarah's emotional conversation. This clues in Sarah that her actions might have gone down like the Titanic on a chilly April night, and she decides to "be the bigger person and apologize". The women on the date do not take this well. Victoria passive aggressively pretends to be concerned while also pointing out to Sarah how inappropriate this was. For the first time this season, I agree with Victoria. Katie aggressive aggressively lets Sarah know her behavior wasn't cool. I think Katie works in a job with combative customers.
Matt James has been hiding this whole time, but he reemerges to give Rachael the group date rose. Anna makes some excellent pouty faces in the background.
One on One
Serena P. (who owns shirts) and Matt both put on their favorite turtlenecks and get ready to head out on their date. But first, Matt asks for a few minutes to talk to Sarah, who hasn't left her room yet. He finds her lying in bed where she is wearing a coat, jeans, and full makeup, as one so often does when sleeping. Matt affirms the affirmation he gave Sarah the previous evening.
Finally, Serena, Matt, and their turtlenecks are off on their date. They are riding horses. I say a quick prayer to Shower Jesus that no one flips their horse over. The uneventful horse ride ends in a picnic. Serena shows Matt how to create a charcuterie board by putting salami on a placemat. I cringe harder than I did during Victoria's BDSM romance scene. Where are the plates? They toast to "unconventional living", which, given their lack of serveware, sounds about right to me. They share a kiss until a jackass shows up and interrupts. No really, there's a donkey.
At dinner, Matt and Serena talk about their prior relationships, and Matt reiterates that he's never been in love before. Serena tells Matt that she can see herself falling in love with him. It's early for this! Serena gets the rose and her and Matt go in the same barrel shaped hot tub that was used in the last episode. Note that Matt didn't have to remove his shirt and chop wood in order to heat the water.
Back at the house, Sarah has been hiding in her room all day. "Silence is just as loud," says MJ. Sarah shows up right as the group date card is about to be read. She's wearing the same coat, jeans, and full make-up from this morning. The women decide to forego the reading of the date card and instead decide to berate Sarah.
Sarah apologizes for crashing the date and hiding in her room all day. Victoria provides some spicy commentary, chiming in "you didn't", and "we don't", as Sarah speaks. Seriously, Victoria is a sassy Bad Place demon. All of the girls have a hard time showing Sarah sympathy when she has all the One-on-One Date Privilege.
A new day dawns, and Sarah is crying again. She's decided she wants to leave. Katie tries to convince her to stay, and they have a very mature conversation about how Sarah is feeling. I'm calling it now. I think Katie will be the girl who finds love on this next season of Paradise.
Katie breaks the news to the women that Sarah has left. Serena C. (who forgot to pack shirts) is wearing a bra again. This isn't plotworthy, but I'm fascinated by the consistency of her wardrobe choices.
Sarah talks to Matt, who is wearing a hoodie and flannel jacket inside the house. Sarah was wearing a full coat to bed yesterday. Do they not have heating in this resort? Matt tries to affirm the affirmation that he reaffirmed yesterday but is unable to convince Sarah to stay. The episode ends with a very sad Matt staring tearfully out the window.
Final Thoughts
I have learned zero new facts about Matt James this week. He did fall into the classic trap of giving attention to the attention seeking, so I'm deducting five points from Gryffindor.
Next week, keep an eye on Anna. She hasn't had much camera time yet, but she makes some great faces in the background and she wore an absolutely massive scrunchie this week.
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