I will admit that I'm going into this biased against Matt because there were many, many pictures of Matt partying during COVID back in late spring, when basically everyone was taking it seriously. I'm also upset that we didn't get one of the absolutely fabulous guys from the last season of The Bachelorette such as Ivan, Dr. Joe, or Riley (and his giant arm muscles) as our Bachelor. I'm hopeful that since it's 2021 (and we've officially survived the 2020 dumpster fire), I will be pleasantly surprised by this season, but right now my expectations are as low as the bar in a game of limbo played by corgis.
Matt has never been in love and he blames this on his parent's divorce. His mom asked him why he changed his mind now, and he does a good job of dodging the question without giving us the actual answer. "I want to be on television and gain Instagram fame like my BFF Tyler C." Do I think Matt will find love? Abso-freaking-lutely NOT. He's Peter Weber, in a better body. We've already gotten more shirtless shots of Matt in his intro than we did of Peter his entire last season, and the trailer for the season is chock-full of shots of Matt contemplating love sans shirt.
While I may be disappointed with our Bachelor choice, so far the contestants seem great! From the intro videos and online bios, there are some legit careers on this show! I was impressed by the guys on The Bachelorette last season, and I hope they cast some great serious women this season. Last season we saw some in-depth conversations about serious topics such as addiction, suicide, and racism. I'm crossing my fingers that this year we'll address more than just Anna's fear of fish and whether 21-year-old Kit is going to go back and finish her final year of college once she finishes filming this season.
As with all first episodes, this one is a nightmare to follow because there are so many contestants and half the time the editors do not clearly display their names on screen.
Therefore, what follows are my overall thoughts about this evening, in a mostly chronological order.
This is a season of unique names. We have Khaylah, Saneh, Illeana, and more. Of course, we still have our obligatory Lauren, but this season she doesn't get a last initial.
I always think its creepy when someone kisses The Bachelor as their introduction. It seems like borderline sexual assault, since The Bachelor is in a position where it's really tough to say no. I think people would be up in arms if this happened on The Bachelorette, and I'd like to see this phased out as a cliché limo entrance. Can't we all just dress up as sharks instead?
Me: Oh! We have someone from Renton on this show. I hope she does us proud. Me, 5 second later: Oh, she brought a vibrator. Me, two minutes later after I googled her: Oh, she has a viral tik-tok video about pooping her pants at work.
Matt started off the evening with a prayer, and I'm dying to know if it's to the same Shower Jesus who taught Luke P about right and wrong?
Katie is starting her Paradise run early. "It was never on my bucket list to boop a pageant queen with a dildo. Am I happy about it? Yes." I'm probably biased because she's from Renton, but I checked out her Instagram during a commercial break and she is hilarious. I don't think she's going to win, because her vibes don't necessarily jive with Matt's opening prayer (pun intended), but I think she'll be fun to watch and will make it far into the Friend Zone.
"I have the best firehose so I'll make a good drink for you." I don't know what that means, and I don't think Victoria knows what the phrase "drinking from a firehose means". She seems to be further up on the drunk spectrum than most of the other women. She reminds me of the "Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party" character from SNL's Weekend Update.
The ladies seem more desperate for roses this season. I think this is due to the extra time they've already invested in the show ("I took four COVID tests for this!"), and also the fact that there is literally nothing else to do right now.
From the sneak preview, it looks like gratuitous shower shots are back this season! Will Matt shower more than Colton? I don't see how that's physically possible, but I'm excited to find out. Real dates are also back! No more carrying a wooden taxi to a around in circles in the 90+ degree heat of Death Valley in the summer. This resort seems better equipped for a Bachelor Season than La Quinta, which relied heavily on its nice fountain and conference facilities.
Well, that is all for this week! Will Victoria act completely different when she's not wasted and sleep deprived? Will Matt begin every week with a prayer to Shower Jesus? When will we get our inevitable Tyler C appearance? I am excited to see more!
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